From Afar
by Yudachi
Summary: Afraid to break her, he could only admire her from afar.


The window light illuminates the pages of the journal in your hands. Your pen moves swiftly but so gently through the paper like a swan gliding through a lake.

I know that you are always here. Alone. I just know so. Every afternoon when the clamor of classes ends, you tread the same empty path to this room. I just want to sit beside you and hear your voice – feel you – but I choose not to, afraid that if I come any nearer, I would shatter your moment of serenity. You come here everyday seeking peace in solitude. Who am I to take that away from you?

So I stand here, watching you, admiring you from afar.

You tilt your head, rest your cheek in the palm of your left hand and look at the vast skies beyond the windows. I smile. My theory has been proved to be true – you do look beautiful from any angle. When you pass by me in the locker halls, from where I sit behind you in class, from my view slightly obstructed by the piano in the music room when you sing, and here in the library with you looking at the sky. (And somehow the scene looks so wrong. You are a deity, – a divine being – you do not belong here on earth.)

You sit straight and continue writing. You are an excellent writer – my praise is all yours. Though your works come bearing different names, I know that it is you – you and your words that reflect the content of your soul. The look of longing in your eyes stirs a hundred questions within me.

How do you contain your emotions in but a fragile glass? Will you not be hurt when it breaks? Will you not bleed when it shatters? How do you manage to smile when your heart cries? How can you sing when the words you say aren't what you really mean?

_How did you capture my heart in one smile?_

_Do you know that when you bleed, I die?_

_And when you fight your tears, it is I who cries?_

_Do you know that?_

You look at the seat beside you where your bag is. I'm sure it's full of clutter that you don't have the heart to just throw away – the love letters, I mean. Your locker is also filled with them. I admit I feel jealous every time I see someone walk up to you and share your space. But I also envy them for having the courage to do so – because I am weak, I am a coward, I am afraid that I would get hurt, afraid to break you, I couldn't even attempt what they do.

With your instinctive grace, you noiselessly stand and collect your things and put them away. You walk – no, float through the room as if your grace could control gravity, could control… _me_. Your steps come nearer and I hide deeper from where I stand, but to no avail. You look at me and the myriad of thoughts and questions in my mind are all erased, replaced by your soft amethyst glance.

"Hiiragizawa-kun."

I bow my head too. "Daidouji-san."

"I'll be leaving now."

"Please take care."

And you leave me there standing.

This is how we are – always so polite, exchanging empty words just to fill the gap.

I walk towards the window where you searched for inspiration just moments ago. I clutch the pane, feeling regret for saying those empty words. I could've had said something better. But I didn't.

The aubergine shine of your raven hair catches my eyes. I can see you gracing the earth with your elegant steps towards the gate. I can feel my heart stop beating when your stopped in your tracks and turned around. You waved. And smiled. _At me. _I think I died there. But reborn just in time to wave back at you. Then you turn around again and head home.

When your figure slid through the horizon, when I couldn't see you anymore from where I stood, I collapsed right there on your favorite library seat. This is what you do to me, my fair Daidouji Tomoyo-san. You leave me hopelessly falling for you with every day that passes.

In your eyes I can see your pain. I do not want you to reject me, to hurt me. I do not want to break you.

But I want to say I love you.

That I will protect you.

But I still do not have enough courage to do so.

I'm just so hopeless, waiting for the day that I can say the words that actually might mean something.

So, until that time comes, I'll be just right here, admiring you, loving you, even only from afar.

* * *

_**From Afar**  
Cardcaptor Sakura  
published 10-24-06  
edited 07-22-11_


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